Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
