I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
