sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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