nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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