she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
