So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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