do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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