When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
