told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
