I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
