I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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