I like to think it a success when the cops are called
and you said cock pushups were impossible
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
