She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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