can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
