I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
