she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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