I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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