guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
