so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
