dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
