Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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