So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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