I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
