I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
