he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
