so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
