I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Randomize
