saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
