He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Randomize
