I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
