I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
