My Higher Power is John Stamos
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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