Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
