My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
