We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
