I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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