one two three fourrrrnication!
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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