Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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