my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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