I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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