Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
