i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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