We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
