I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
