My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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