We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
