Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
