I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
