Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
