A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
