Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
