I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
